For the most part I have been drinking more tea and water and eating less. Now I need to combine that with working out, and I am sure the pounds will melt off. Anyway, I am still waiting to get the running shoes. I might just have to wait till I go to the mall again. I have plans to go this week god willing. In the mean time I'm just going to go on the treadmill for fifty minutes a day, that's two hundred calories burned, and then about twenty minutes weight lifting, and three thousand jump rope repetions. I don't know how many calories I would burn in total. But I am sure a lot. And sense I am eating very little food throughout the entire day, I am sure to lose weight. Yesterday, I just had one meal, and today, I am doing a liquid fast, I started it off with two to three cups of Green tea. Last night, I had eight cups of green tea. This morning I lost count of how many cups I had, because I used the same tea bag, and forgot how many times I used it. My problem is that when I eat a lot, I workout a lot, so it balances out. And then when I lower my calories, I don't workout as much, I find that I get lazy. Which is wrong, because in order to lose weight I need to burn more calories then I consume, thus I need to eat less and workout more. I want to look in the mirror, and think and see that I am thin enough. I want to fit into all of my tiny clothes. I want to feel good about my body. I want to feel confident, I feel that my confidence is tied in with how much I weight. Or for the time being what size I can fit into. I don't have a scale. So I don;t know how much I weight. I am sure I probably weigh more then what I am thinking, and thus I am sure, if I get a scale, I will just starve and workout. But that's what I should be doing anyway. Well I started phase one at least, now I just need to add it phase two, while contiuing with phase one.

Getting back on track.

Today I just had some peanut butter, an apple, and three tea biscuits. I don't know how many calorie's I took in. Before I had anything to eat, I had about four cups of tea. I haven't done any working out. Which I admit isn't a good thing, I need to go back to working out. Starting out with the weights, because it's simple, and you see results in a short amount of time, as long as you stick with it. That is my major problem. I start on something, and I stay on track workout wise for a while, but then I stop. But that needs to stop, I need to keep on track everyday. I need to push myself every day.

I didn't anything at all yesterday, and only had some chicken later, and cucumbers, and some bread----to break my fast. Right now I still feel full, even though, I ate, at ten last night. I didn't work out or anything, but that's okay, I have this whole week to workout, so it will all balance out. There are days where I feel motivated, and then there are days were I don't feel the least bit motivated. Without the option of watching television while working out, as a way of inspiring myself, I am going to have to push myself, to workout longer, and to stay on the treadmill, or at least go on muliple times in a day, to burn more calories in total.

I only had four hot dogs which is a step up from having the whole pack of hot dogs----they are my one weakness, especially the smoked hot dogs. So that's Good, I had a olive oil, tomato, and thyme sandwich with mint---it sounds strange but it tastes fanatastic---or at least I think so. And for supper which I'm currently having, I'm drinking ice cold juice. Tomorrow I plan on going back on the treadmill for twenty minutes, and then doing other workouts.

I woke up this morning at six in the morning, and the first thing I did was go on the treadmill for twenty minutes, then I did a total of twenty minutes of other workouts, and then I took a shower. I don't know exactly how many calories I burnt in total, but I do know that I burned some calories, and I am happy, that I burnt them before I ate breakfast this morning. Later I plan on doing some more workouts, the standing variety of workouts. I don't know what I'll eat later, I'm thinking of having some salad, and I might make some chicken to eat with the salad, or I might just have the salad on its own. Yesterday, I had about ten cups of Green Tea, I am planning on doing the same today. I haven't had any Green tea as of yet. I had two cups of black tea with Breakfast this morning. I know that black tea, is a great fat burner, so its a good thing that I always drink it with my meals, and after my meals. Okay not always, but I am going to get into that habit. I had this strange craving for cheese----I just couldn't get enough of it yesterday, and I ended up consuming the last of the cheese that we had. So now we don't have any more cheese, and so I guess that's another good thing. On a happy note, I didn't have any bread or chicken with the cheese, I just ate the cheese alone.

I had about four cups of Green tea so far. I am planning on having four more cups. I didn't go on the treadmill today. But I plan on going back on Saturday. I'm going to handwash, some more clothes tomorrow, and so I'll burn calories that way. I plan on just eating salad tomorrow, I made a big bowl of salad on Wendsday. I didn't do so bad for supper. I know I wasn't planning on having anything to eat, because I had chicken, and salad earlier, but then I found myself, really, hungry, and so I had myself, some Zucchini, at least I had some Green tea before hand, and I am planning on having some Green tea soon. I really need to fast one of these days. Actually I think tomorrow would be perfect, or maybe next week. Anyway, what else is there? Oh yeah, everytime my husband tells me that I've gained weight, it makes me, want to go to the kitchen, and clean out the cupboards, not by eating the food, but by giving the food away. I hate it when he tells me that I've gained weight, and then tells me not to get angry. Well what else am I supposed to feel, when someone that I love tells me that I have gained weight. I know he means well. I know that he only tells me that I've put on some weight so that I can watch what I eat. My control, which mostly invovles weight loss-----most includes, me working out ALL day long, and starving myself, for the most part. He just doesn't understand just how tiring losing weight is, and then how fastly the weight comes back on, when I decide to actually eat something. Because I have such low will power. There was a time, where I could just have coffee all day long, and not eat. I know that I can do it. I can workout like mad, starve, so that I can lose weight. So what if I potentially ruin my chances of ever having children. Why would I want to have children anyway? I would make a terrible mother. I don't know this for sure, but what's the point of working my ass off, to lose weight only to gain it, because of a baby. Not that all women who have babies end up fat. Because there are a lot of thin mothers out there, who have more then one child. But I just think that if I struggle so much with my weight now, then I'm really going to struggle after I have a baby----if I ever have a baby. Anyway, that's beyond the topic, I started writing about. Right now, I just want to lose weight. Because I just feel so fat, and then I want a scale, I don't know how much I weight. And knowing my weight, if it's high, always jump starts my weight loss efforts. Actually no I don't need a scale to jump start my weight loss efforts, I have already done that. I know I can do it. I sound like a fat ass right now. I guess that sense that's what I see when I look in the mirror then it must be true. I wish that I could feel good about my body. I wish that on the days I feel like I've lost weight, because my clothes are fitting a little loser, that someone would tell me that I've lost weight, instead of "She's fat." when I'm in the same room, or "You've gained weight, but don't get angry." Seriously how else am I supposed to react when someone tells me that I've lost weight. People say, that you can trust that you've lost weight, by the way your clothes fit you. I however, cannot believe that. Once we were visiting, I was about eighteen years old, and could easily feet into a preteen size pair of jeans, and I was told that I was fat. That made me feel so bad, because I had left the house--apartment, feeling so good about myself. Really, when I look in the mirror, I no longer see a thin person staring back at me, I see a fat person. I guess it all started from that one time, I used to beleive that I was skinny----after a long time, of beleiving in the back of my head that I was fat, and then my mom, goes, and tells me that I'm not skinny, and so from that day, I just couldn't see myself as skinny, and judging from the times, I have thought myself to be skinny and have been told otherwise, I've decided that I can no longer trust myself, when it comes to my weight. So in other words, if someone tells me that I've lost weight then it must be true, and the same thing goes if they tell me that I've gained weight. Being told that you are fat, or that you have gained weight, is the worse feeling ever. I really don't understand how I gained weight. I didn't even over eat that week. I need to start drinking green tea with Breakfast. I am hoping that weight lifting----five pound weights on a semi daily basis, will help to build muslce and thus help me, to lose weight.

This morning, I had some chicken, which I cooked on the stove---in a pan of course----no oil or anything. I had some salad to go with that, and just a little bit of bread. Next time I should have it sans bread-----to cut down on the calories. I'm not sure how many calories I took in this morning. Which is why I am only going to have salad throughout the day----food wise. And drink wise, I'm just going to have water, tea, and maybe some cappichino----unsure about that one---and actually no that wouldn't be a good idea. I need to workout, before I treat myself to a new look. Well as new of a look as I can manage. Well sense today its Thursday----my laundry day-------my workout will include hand washing clothes. Though, I am thinking of working out on the treadmill, during, The Biggest Loser. Which comes on a five over here, so I have get my laundry done before then. Right now I'm drinking hot black tea, later I should have some Green tea. Coffee tastes horrible to me thesedays----(which is weird because I love Coffee)

I haven't been on the treadmill yet. But I have worked out with my weights. So that is a good thing. Considering I've only had vegetables, some cheese, and some bread and some crackers, three crackers to be exact. and that was just at five this morning. I don't know if I will be going on the treadmill tonight or later today. It's possible that I could go on at five while watching Doctor Oz. I like having something to watch while I'm working out on the treadmill. My planis to stay on for thirty whole minutes, without getting off, at a speed of eight point seven. Yes I have changed the speed yet again. But this time I am keeping it at that speed. Now if I don't go on the treadmill. I'll do some other sort of workout.

I went on the treadmill for thirty minutes, I only stayed on for twenty minutes, and then I took a break, went back on, contiued till two minutes, and took another break. in all I burnt 124 calories. I am wondering how many calories I would be able to burn had I not taking any breaks. I'll try that tomorrow. Later, I worked out with some weights, I did two workouts, two hundred repetions each.

So far I have had about four tomato's two of which I cooked on the stove, in a pan of course, and two small beef burger patties, for protien, I need energy for the treadmill, which so far has been going well. I am pushing myself to stay on for as long as it takes me to burn a hundred calories. I still have a lot of work that I need to do. I also had some cheese, but I burnt it in the microwave, so I just had a few bites, of whatever I could salvage. I have learned that I like the taste of burnt cheese, way better then unburnt cheese, I'm just weird like that.

I just finished preparing some carrots to boil. I don't like eating fresh carrots, which is why I always cook them. Whether or not cooking them, effects thier nutrional value doesn't really matter to me. I don't think that cooking them will cause any damage. After all people cook frozen vegetables all the time.

Small update: I went on the treadmill for twenty two minutes and some seconds, burning 100 calories. Seeing that I haven't had anything to eat yet. Sense 12 pm yesterday, I think that is good. I just have two other forms of workouts and I'll be completely done for the day. My feet are aching, my legs ache, but I know in the end its going to be worth it. I just have to keep up with it. I have to make sure that I am not taking in more calories then I burn. Calories I burn by machine workout and none machine workout. In total I need to burn more calories then I consume. I keep on telling myself that. But for me that is the hardest part. Though I am getting much better. If I have three meals, then two of those three meals are usually fruit, so that is a great start. I am not eating fast food, or any kind of junk food. So that is another good step. I would say my problem is, I beleive that I'm going over calorie count, no matter how much or how little I eat. For example if I eat something I consider to be real food, like a small sandwich for example, or a thin slice of roast beef----- I think I have gone over my calorie count for the day. I don't want to starve myself. I don't want my body going into starvation mode. I read somewhere that eating ice chips, makes your body feel as if its actually consuming real food. I personally have never gone on a full blown, ice chip diet, and to be honest I don't see myself doing that. Except for at night. But usually these days I get tired at night, so I am usually asleep. I wanted to stay on longer, but when I hit the hundred calorie mark, I just couldn't go on. I need better shoes, but these will have to do for now.

My legs are covered in bruises. Anyway, I haven't gone on the treadmill yet. So this morning, I have to get back on the treadmill. I need to workout. I need someone to tell me that I have lost weight. Starving during the day, just isn't going to cut it. It will only make my body go into starvation mode, so I've got to work out---typing is easy. I need to actually do it. So here is how it goes, if I don't go on the treadmill for twenty minutes today, then I will have to go on the treadmill for sixty minutes tomorrow morning. Sense I would rather go on for twenty minutes, I need to go on this morning.