Sense i have cut down my calories, to under a eight hundred calories a day----i don't need to go on the treaddmill for ninety minutes everyday---i can go on for ninety minutes, in total, five days a week, i increase the speed every week, so that i am sure to burn more calories. on the two days i don't work out, i clean, yesterday, i spent a good twenty minutes cleaning the kitchen floor, and then the bathroom floor, and then washed some laundry by hand, vaccumed the floor, by nine pm i was completely exhausted, probably because i hadn't eaten anything---sense midnight----i really had no appetite to eat anything, i woke up at midnight---and had something to eat and drink, and now i'm fasting, and i plan on breaking my fast on seven dates, and water, and some chicken broth soup. i'll just heat it up in the microwave. okay it may not always be under eight hundred, but if i can at least make it, under a thousand calories, especially on the days i don't work out, than that will be a good thing. i'm hoping ninety minutes on the treadmill at a speed of 8.8 will help me to lose more calories, now if i can just push myself to stay on the treadmill for the entire forty minute interval, i know i can lose more calories.

sense i don't want my body to get used to going on the treadmill ninety minutes a day i'm going to change it up a bit, so for today, i'm going to go for forty minutes----at a speed of 8.8, instead of 7.7, so that way, i'll be burnining more calories in lesser amount of time. i haven't been able to stay on the treadmill during the whole forty---sixty-----or thirty minutes----that is the most i go on the treadmill at one time---and then i'll add another thirty, sixty, or forty, repetions, i used to do ten minutes repetions, but that takes too long, and i would rather go on longer, and then i just go on for one ten minute repetion, like i did yesterday. my body must have been really tired, cause i couldn't even get through the entire ten minutes without taking a break every once in a while. i also have to do some other workouts.

I went on the treadmill for a total of ninety minutes, i went on for forty minutes in the am, and forty minutes, at night, and then ten minutes, about an hour later.
it felt good, to workout on the treadmill, i'm not letting my lack of proper workout shoes hinder me. i did that before, and i am doing that again.
i only have one meal a day---its my new thing, and for me it makes sense. some people may not agree with me on this, but they are not me.
i looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and thought to myself, i am so obese----which then got me, not to eat for most of the day----i just had a really small breakfast-----followed by working out on the treadmill. i need to get a scale, on the one hand i'm afraid to see how much i weight, i'm afraid i weight something like 189 pounds----according to how my clothes fit, i should be about 139 pounds thats how i calculate my weight. anyway, i'm not even sure if that's right though, my goal is to get down to a hundred pounds. i like even numbers, which is why i go on the treadmill, for even number intervals. i didn't have any coffee this weekend. i don't know what i'm going to do with the container of sugar i have in the kitchen, sometime the dishes i cook, require a spoon of sugar. even though, i just have one, meal, i can still have an apple later on, because apples aren't meals, and they are healthy for you. speaking of which i need to get more fruit, i used to have a ton of fruit, but i've finished it all. i hate how no one seems to understand my fear of food---how can anyone fear food, when people in africa are starving----i can't explain it, for me, my food of food stems from the fact that i know too much of it is going to make me fat. i have one meal just to give me energy to go on the treadmill, and then later if i feel sluggish i have some caffine before going on the treadmill or some fruit----never banana's----low calorie fruits only. anyway, i have been fat before, and i have been really skinny before, according to my sister----i was once scary skinny----during that time i didn't eat anything, and my mom foolishly thought everything was all better because i had something to eat that day----i only ate, cause my dad was there, and i didn't want him yelling at me----but i purged it right away. now that i spend most of my time alone, i don't have anyone bothering me to eat, or not to eat, i can eat or i can starve, and i choose for the most part to starve----because i don't want to be fat anymore----well in my eyes anyway. i am glad, that i went on the treadmill for the better part of the week, i only skipped out saturday---and sunday----and i even went on the weekend. my breaks are during the day, either after or before my workout on the treadmill. sometimes i get tempted to order out, but then i change my mind, i don't want to get fat---or fatter-----because if i didn't think i was fat, i wouldn't be taking such drastic measures to lose weight, by cutting down on my calorie consumtion and going on the treadmill for about ninety minutes everyday----no one out right has told me, that i'm obese----obese is just what i see when i myself look in the mirror. i hate when my mom constantly talks about food, i hate talking about food---i used to obesses about food, i used to just think of what i would eat, and what food i would buy , but now, i think of what time my next workout will be, and sometimes i workout earlier than i planned and sometimes for longer than orginally planned. i have become obessed with working out, moreso than with food itself, i use food for one purpose----to give me energy to be able to stay on the treadmill without getting winded. i'm looking to get caffine pills, so that i don't run out of energy so quickly. my dream is to one day look into the mirror, and see a skinny person starring back at me. i noticed that ever sense i started watching the turkish series---most of those actressess---are stick thin------i stopped obessesing so much about food and starting working out more. when i see an actual obese person, i can't help but feel sorry for them. i know logically that i'm not obese----but i don't know what happens when i peer at myself in the mirror, sometimes i don't even reconginze myself, i find myself, wondering, "who is that person, starring back at me?" at times i feel lost, completely lost.

I have only had one meal lately----which has become the norm for me these days. i had some cheese, some bread, and some juice, and thats about all i had for my meal today.
i went on my treadmill at around one am in the morning-----for forty minutes, burning 141 calories, according my machine, and i have plans to go on for another fifty minutes, before midnight.
last night i only did seventy minutes.

so far i have burned 111 calories today----i am planning to go back on for another two thirty minute sessions, in about an hour----or two--- , i haven't had anything to eat yet. i really don't know what i'll have, probably a small portion of something, either way i need to eat something, so i can have enough energy to workout on the treadmill. my feet feel a bit sore---but that's okay----i was thinking of doing, six ten intervals-----making it a total of ninety---but then i thought that going on for two thirty minute sessions will make it shorter. and how i do it is i keep focused on the tv, till i burn, till i burn the first eight calories, and then i go back to the treadmill, as long as i am focused on something else, besides how much farther i've got to go, i can make it just fine. before i used to just go on during the weekdays---but sense i eat everyday of the week---except when faster---then i eat during the evening-----i need to burn calories. so far besides, burning calories on the treadmill, i've burned calories washing dishes.
i am so tempted to order some junk food----but i am not going to.

my plan for today is to do my best and eat under eight hundred calories. go on the treadmill for as long as i can phyiscally stand---i am aiming for ninety minutes.

I feel bad that i wasn't able to get in my ninety minutes---or rather i won't be able to---because---my legs hurt too much, especially my left leg---that has a huge bruise on it. and i have no idea how it got there, i have been eating protien, but the bruise isn't getting any better, and my leg hurts when i walk. i pushed myself throught sixty minutes, when my cramps weren't so bad, but now my cramps have gotten worse, and my legs pains have gotten worse. i am not trying to make excuses, this is just the facts, i wish i could push myself---at least i am working out on a daily basis, and perhaps ninety minutes during my period is a bit much. on my period days----sixty minutes is good enough-----and ninety days during my non period days. i think that is a good idea. i feel like i've eaten too much though.

I need to go on the treadmill for ninety minutes----i can split into three thirty minutes----which is what i'm planning on doing.
i am so glad that dispite it being my period----i am working out---and i am not stuffing my face---i used to use my period as an excuse to eat whatever and whenever. but i haven't done that in a really long time.
my husband is being so supportive, so even when i ask him to get junk food---hormononal cravings----i end up purging them through extensive workouts-----he doesn't get me those things, and opts for something healthy instead.
even though i am not eating any junkfood, i am working out extensively and am hoping that one day---i will look in the mirror and like what i see, for now i don't like what i see, i don't think there ever was a time were i looked in the mirror, and like what i saw. but perhaps one day that will change.

yesterday, i burned a total of 327 calories on the treadmill, i don't know how much i actually lost, based on my height and weight.
i feel so obese right now.
and i don't want any stupid comments telling me that i must be obese. because why else would i feel obese.
well i just have one question, would an obese person, spend ninety minutes a day, working out on the treadmill? i think not, they would be sitting in front of thier television, eating junk food.
i just feel obese. i wonder if anyone can understand that feeling.

I went on my treadmill for a total of sixty minutes, I stopped every ten minutes and lost a total of 216 calories at a speed of 7.7. i wasn't going to go on the treadmill, sense i don't usually go on the treadmill during certain times of the month, but this time, i changed my mind, and decided that i would go on for an hour, so before i went on the treadmill, i had three cups of black coffee, which gave me enough energy for me to stay on the treadmill. before that i threw up, i had a tiny panic attack, where in my mind i beleived that my food was posioned---even though i am the one who prepared my food, it's crazy i know, and if i tell anyone this, they are going to think that i am crazy for thinking that, and whomever stumbles upon this blog is probably going to think that i'm crazy for thinking that. in my defense, i had just sprayed the kitchen, and even though everything was covered, i was convinced that something got onto the food, or the utentisals, even though, i checked everything out, before i actually sat down and ate, but yet, i still felt that way, and ended up throwing away the rest of the food. yesterday, was the first day, that i went into a panic attack, and made myself sick. i am very obessed with my weight, and how my body looks, i think i always look fat no matter what.