I went on the treadmill for a total of ninety minutes, i went on for forty minutes in the am, and forty minutes, at night, and then ten minutes, about an hour later.
it felt good, to workout on the treadmill, i'm not letting my lack of proper workout shoes hinder me. i did that before, and i am doing that again.
i only have one meal a day---its my new thing, and for me it makes sense. some people may not agree with me on this, but they are not me.
i looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and thought to myself, i am so obese----which then got me, not to eat for most of the day----i just had a really small breakfast-----followed by working out on the treadmill. i need to get a scale, on the one hand i'm afraid to see how much i weight, i'm afraid i weight something like 189 pounds----according to how my clothes fit, i should be about 139 pounds thats how i calculate my weight. anyway, i'm not even sure if that's right though, my goal is to get down to a hundred pounds. i like even numbers, which is why i go on the treadmill, for even number intervals. i didn't have any coffee this weekend. i don't know what i'm going to do with the container of sugar i have in the kitchen, sometime the dishes i cook, require a spoon of sugar. even though, i just have one, meal, i can still have an apple later on, because apples aren't meals, and they are healthy for you. speaking of which i need to get more fruit, i used to have a ton of fruit, but i've finished it all. i hate how no one seems to understand my fear of food---how can anyone fear food, when people in africa are starving----i can't explain it, for me, my food of food stems from the fact that i know too much of it is going to make me fat. i have one meal just to give me energy to go on the treadmill, and then later if i feel sluggish i have some caffine before going on the treadmill or some fruit----never banana's----low calorie fruits only. anyway, i have been fat before, and i have been really skinny before, according to my sister----i was once scary skinny----during that time i didn't eat anything, and my mom foolishly thought everything was all better because i had something to eat that day----i only ate, cause my dad was there, and i didn't want him yelling at me----but i purged it right away. now that i spend most of my time alone, i don't have anyone bothering me to eat, or not to eat, i can eat or i can starve, and i choose for the most part to starve----because i don't want to be fat anymore----well in my eyes anyway. i am glad, that i went on the treadmill for the better part of the week, i only skipped out saturday---and sunday----and i even went on the weekend. my breaks are during the day, either after or before my workout on the treadmill. sometimes i get tempted to order out, but then i change my mind, i don't want to get fat---or fatter-----because if i didn't think i was fat, i wouldn't be taking such drastic measures to lose weight, by cutting down on my calorie consumtion and going on the treadmill for about ninety minutes everyday----no one out right has told me, that i'm obese----obese is just what i see when i myself look in the mirror. i hate when my mom constantly talks about food, i hate talking about food---i used to obesses about food, i used to just think of what i would eat, and what food i would buy , but now, i think of what time my next workout will be, and sometimes i workout earlier than i planned and sometimes for longer than orginally planned. i have become obessed with working out, moreso than with food itself, i use food for one purpose----to give me energy to be able to stay on the treadmill without getting winded. i'm looking to get caffine pills, so that i don't run out of energy so quickly. my dream is to one day look into the mirror, and see a skinny person starring back at me. i noticed that ever sense i started watching the turkish series---most of those actressess---are stick thin------i stopped obessesing so much about food and starting working out more. when i see an actual obese person, i can't help but feel sorry for them. i know logically that i'm not obese----but i don't know what happens when i peer at myself in the mirror, sometimes i don't even reconginze myself, i find myself, wondering, "who is that person, starring back at me?" at times i feel lost, completely lost.